direct tag

What’s the Big Deal about a Day Off? Really.

too busy woman.jpg

It’s easy for many of us to just go, go, go. After all, this is the one and only life we have. Once we discover how we’re wired, what our talents are and what our purpose is, it’s time to “get to it,” right? Maybe. But we often burn up the wonder of discovering why we exist because we don’t know how to exist without working every day of the week.

Why is it so difficult for us to unplug? To take a “day off?”

Here are five reasons we often lean in to our own demise.

*Note: if your work is in a church, feel free to replace “work” with “ministry” if that helps you.

1.     We are unaware of the energy we expend. 

My wife, Laura, chides me about my notion that I can always “get just one more thing done.” When I’m in that mode, I’m not thinking about how I feel or what may be required of me after this “one more thing.” I think I can do it all.

Many of us believe we have a limitless supply of energy. We don’t know we believe it, but our behavior reveals the truth. Just one more phone call. One more conversation. A few more minutes of research. Then, although we had an unlimited sense of energy for “work,” we’re too tired to engage meaningful conversation with our spouse, visit with a friend or focus on our family.

Worse yet, a moment here, an hour there – it all adds up. And the cumulative result is sheer, life-sucking exhaustion. But until we crash and burn, we keep going. And going. And going. We keep spending energy. We’re okay, we tell ourselves, this just has to be done. ‘Til we are done.

2.     We confuse the words STOP and QUIT.

I remember an evening years ago, meeting an associate in the hallway who (ironically) asked me what I was still doing at the office. This wasn’t my first day working into the evening; it was my third or forth that week. I suppose with a tone of both pride and martyrdom, I remarked about having so much to do; it was “such a busy season.”

She looked at me and said, “There’ll always be another season. After this one will be another one, and another after that. You’ll have to learn it’s okay to stop for the day.”

But to me, stopping meant quitting. It meant being irresponsible. And it certainly meant I wouldn’t be perceived as hard-working. Maybe that was it – as a perpetual people-pleaser, I wanted others to see me “not quitting.”

Regardless the reason, I’d twisted up these two words together: stop and quit. I believed they were synonymous. But, I slowly learned that I could stop and not quit. The work can always be picked up again. But, I needed desperately to STOP. To take a break. To be done for the day.

3.     We don’t know what to do with “time off.”

Most of what we read and hear about leadership is geared toward how we lead in our business, in our church or non-profit – whatever and wherever is our workplace. We don’t lack for resources related to our work: leading, building, growing, solving, innovating, processing, analyzing, reporting, succeeding. Don’t misunderstand. I want to lead better, build people, grow and develop, solve problems, innovate ideas, process challenges, analyze trends, report and succeed.

But. We know far less about what to do with “time off” from all the above. The risk is that we ONLY know how to lead, innovate and succeed. What else is there?

How do we relax? What does it mean to engage a relationship with no agenda or expected outcome? What does it look like to just walk? How do we nap with a deep sense of peace? Can we simply watch a great movie, take in a play or listen to a concert? How do we STOP and simply “BE?”

4.     We don’t know how to listen without thinking about how we’ll talk about it.

Another challenge with “time off” is that if we actually stop work and everything related to work (email, social media, reading about work), we easily fill the space with other things. Good things, things that are healthy to engage for replenishment: an inspiring movie, reading a novel, sports, travel or time with friends and family. All good. All important to refueling.

But, there is another option for that space: quiet. Blocking time to listen to the Voice within us, to nature, to God. I’ll make this personal for me. Too often my reflective journaling has a subtle but distinct second thought aside from the content: “this will be good to share with my team.” My deep soul work can become a talk tomorrow. The picture of the sunrise during my quiet morning can be taken for my next social media post. Suddenly, I’m not practicing quiet. I’m not reflecting for my soul’s sake. I’m leading. I’m planning. I’m working.

Everything easily gets turned into an illustration, a story, a lesson, a piece of encouragement for someone else. Someone else we lead or feel responsible to in some way. What if we simply listened. Soaked. Dug. Felt. And that’s it. What if our gain in the quiet is lived out rather than talked out? What if our insight is for our own growth and not the next piece of wisdom that makes us a better leader?

5.     We want everyone around us to model our hard-working lifestyle.

Again, with a focus on productivity, high expectations for effectiveness and ultimate success, we demonstrate our priorities for our team. I have to talk about how busy I am, so they are encouraged to work just as hard. I need to set a pace of sacrifice so they understand the stakes are high.

And in doing so, we most certainly convey our priorities. We communicate that work is more important than marriage; productivity is valued above relationship; and the work of our hands trumps the sacredness of our soul.

What myth have you bought into?

Will you…

  • schedule time away from work?
  • honor that time?
  • give yourself to a full 24-hour period away from all work-related efforts?
  • experiment and discover what gives you rest and refuels you?

What else prevents you from taking time for YOU?

Continue reading

direct tag

direct tag

What’s the Big Deal about a Day Off? Really.

too busy woman.jpg

It’s easy for many of us to just go, go, go. After all, this is the one and only life we have. Once we discover how we’re wired, what our talents are and what our purpose is, it’s time to “get to it,” right? Maybe. But we often burn up the wonder of discovering why we exist because we don’t know how to exist without working every day of the week.

Why is it so difficult for us to unplug? To take a “day off?”

Here are five reasons we often lean in to our own demise.

*Note: if your work is in a church, feel free to replace “work” with “ministry” if that helps you.

1.     We are unaware of the energy we expend. 

My wife, Laura, chides me about my notion that I can always “get just one more thing done.” When I’m in that mode, I’m not thinking about how I feel or what may be required of me after this “one more thing.” I think I can do it all.

Many of us believe we have a limitless supply of energy. We don’t know we believe it, but our behavior reveals the truth. Just one more phone call. One more conversation. A few more minutes of research. Then, although we had an unlimited sense of energy for “work,” we’re too tired to engage meaningful conversation with our spouse, visit with a friend or focus on our family.

Worse yet, a moment here, an hour there – it all adds up. And the cumulative result is sheer, life-sucking exhaustion. But until we crash and burn, we keep going. And going. And going. We keep spending energy. We’re okay, we tell ourselves, this just has to be done. ‘Til we are done.

2.     We confuse the words STOP and QUIT.

I remember an evening years ago, meeting an associate in the hallway who (ironically) asked me what I was still doing at the office. This wasn’t my first day working into the evening; it was my third or forth that week. I suppose with a tone of both pride and martyrdom, I remarked about having so much to do; it was “such a busy season.”

She looked at me and said, “There’ll always be another season. After this one will be another one, and another after that. You’ll have to learn it’s okay to stop for the day.”

But to me, stopping meant quitting. It meant being irresponsible. And it certainly meant I wouldn’t be perceived as hard-working. Maybe that was it – as a perpetual people-pleaser, I wanted others to see me “not quitting.”

Regardless the reason, I’d twisted up these two words together: stop and quit. I believed they were synonymous. But, I slowly learned that I could stop and not quit. The work can always be picked up again. But, I needed desperately to STOP. To take a break. To be done for the day.

3.     We don’t know what to do with “time off.”

Most of what we read and hear about leadership is geared toward how we lead in our business, in our church or non-profit – whatever and wherever is our workplace. We don’t lack for resources related to our work: leading, building, growing, solving, innovating, processing, analyzing, reporting, succeeding. Don’t misunderstand. I want to lead better, build people, grow and develop, solve problems, innovate ideas, process challenges, analyze trends, report and succeed.

But. We know far less about what to do with “time off” from all the above. The risk is that we ONLY know how to lead, innovate and succeed. What else is there?

How do we relax? What does it mean to engage a relationship with no agenda or expected outcome? What does it look like to just walk? How do we nap with a deep sense of peace? Can we simply watch a great movie, take in a play or listen to a concert? How do we STOP and simply “BE?”

4.     We don’t know how to listen without thinking about how we’ll talk about it.

Another challenge with “time off” is that if we actually stop work and everything related to work (email, social media, reading about work), we easily fill the space with other things. Good things, things that are healthy to engage for replenishment: an inspiring movie, reading a novel, sports, travel or time with friends and family. All good. All important to refueling.

But, there is another option for that space: quiet. Blocking time to listen to the Voice within us, to nature, to God. I’ll make this personal for me. Too often my reflective journaling has a subtle but distinct second thought aside from the content: “this will be good to share with my team.” My deep soul work can become a talk tomorrow. The picture of the sunrise during my quiet morning can be taken for my next social media post. Suddenly, I’m not practicing quiet. I’m not reflecting for my soul’s sake. I’m leading. I’m planning. I’m working.

Everything easily gets turned into an illustration, a story, a lesson, a piece of encouragement for someone else. Someone else we lead or feel responsible to in some way. What if we simply listened. Soaked. Dug. Felt. And that’s it. What if our gain in the quiet is lived out rather than talked out? What if our insight is for our own growth and not the next piece of wisdom that makes us a better leader?

5.     We want everyone around us to model our hard-working lifestyle.

Again, with a focus on productivity, high expectations for effectiveness and ultimate success, we demonstrate our priorities for our team. I have to talk about how busy I am, so they are encouraged to work just as hard. I need to set a pace of sacrifice so they understand the stakes are high.

And in doing so, we most certainly convey our priorities. We communicate that work is more important than marriage; productivity is valued above relationship; and the work of our hands trumps the sacredness of our soul.

What myth have you bought into?

Will you…

  • schedule time away from work?
  • honor that time?
  • give yourself to a full 24-hour period away from all work-related efforts?
  • experiment and discover what gives you rest and refuels you?

What else prevents you from taking time for YOU?

Continue reading

direct tag

direct tag

Getting to Answers Without Questions. Really?

Are questions better than statements?

Of course, the “right” answer is “yes.” Which is precisely the challenge of
asking questions: We think we already know the answer. I admit it. I often
do.

When I do, my arrogance spews observations as judgements (This can be
especially true with family or others close to me. Ugh.). My
narrow-mindedness is expressed as nothing more than biting accusation
dressed up as “truth-telling.” And my claim to “truth” leads me to
directives and corrections with little room for push-back or open
human-to-human dialog. This confession is no fun.

Surely I’m not alone in this. 

Look at your own relationships and interactions. In how many conversations
– in your workplace, on your team, in your church, in your home – do you
actually ask questions? Meaningful questions. Too often our dialogs are a
back-and-forth exchange of statements we already share with each other. We
craft questions to draw out… Continue reading

direct tag

direct tag

Getting to Answers Without Questions. Really?

Are questions better than statements?

Of course, the “right” answer is “yes.” Which is precisely the challenge of
asking questions: We think we already know the answer. I admit it. I often
do.

When I do, my arrogance spews observations as judgements (This can be
especially true with family or others close to me. Ugh.). My
narrow-mindedness is expressed as nothing more than biting accusation
dressed up as “truth-telling.” And my claim to “truth” leads me to
directives and corrections with little room for push-back or open
human-to-human dialog. This confession is no fun.

Surely I’m not alone in this. 

Look at your own relationships and interactions. In how many conversations
– in your workplace, on your team, in your church, in your home – do you
actually ask questions? Meaningful questions. Too often our dialogs are a
back-and-forth exchange of statements we already share with each other. We
craft questions to draw out… Continue reading

direct tag

direct tag

Discipleship as Story: A Shared Journey of What It Is to Be Fully Human

I’ve been to India twice now. On both occasions I took in a trip to Agra to
visit the Red Fort and the famed Taj Mahal. I was traveling with my family
on the second tour and wanted them to experience all I had in my first
Eastern adventure. 

You see, my first tour was with a native travel guide who completely
immersed herself in the history and legacy of her country. She told stories
about the people and events that had inhabited the sites as though she had
experienced them herself. She was connected with the story. She told it as
if it was her own. I listened with keen interest, hung on every word. I was
invited into her world, her history, her life. I not felt I knew her
country and her heritage; I believed I knew her. 

Eager for my wife and daughter to experience the same riveting interaction,
we embarked on the two-hour ride to Agra from New Deli. My eagerness waned
as… Continue reading

direct tag

direct tag

Discipleship as Story: A Shared Journey of What It Is to Be Fully Human

I’ve been to India twice now. On both occasions I took in a trip to Agra to
visit the Red Fort and the famed Taj Mahal. I was traveling with my family
on the second tour and wanted them to experience all I had in my first
Eastern adventure. 

You see, my first tour was with a native travel guide who completely
immersed herself in the history and legacy of her country. She told stories
about the people and events that had inhabited the sites as though she had
experienced them herself. She was connected with the story. She told it as
if it was her own. I listened with keen interest, hung on every word. I was
invited into her world, her history, her life. I not felt I knew her
country and her heritage; I believed I knew her. 

Eager for my wife and daughter to experience the same riveting interaction,
we embarked on the two-hour ride to Agra from New Deli. My eagerness waned
as… Continue reading

direct tag

direct tag

Have You Aligned or Settled?

 photo credit: Adam Grabeck

photo credit: Adam Grabeck

Author and teacher, Parker Palmer reflects,

“As young people, we are surrounded by expectations that may have little to do with who we really are, expectations held by people who are not trying to discern our selfhood but to fit us into slots.” 

Most of us know the angst of trying to live up to someone else’s expectations. It can take a number of different forms.

Regrets are turned into hopes for you.

This is typically a parent or a grandparent – someone in the family. Mom always wanted to be a nurse, so she persuades her son to go to the best nursing school in the area. Dad missed the opportunity to go to law school, so he’s talked about his daughter being an attorney since she was four. Your wife wants you to be the “Jack of all trades” like her father never was – ever. 

Desires or passions are projected onto you.

Your spouse insists you find work that will put you in a bigger house in a better neighborhood with a better car in a cleaner garage. Your pastor sees you as “preacher junior” and talks to you often about bible college. Your roommate desperately wants to hike around Europe for a month; you’ve never walked more than two city blocks. 

Organizational needs are placed on you.

The owner insists he can’t promote you to regional director; the work in this local branch is too critical. Your pastor expects you’ll stay in your role for… well, forever; the church needs you to be faithful. You’ve talked about your desire to develop your leadership opportunities, but there’s not a seat at the leadership table. 

Everyone thinks they know you better than you do.

You’re told what your gifts are. Someone else insists you don’t have the ability to lead strategically. Your supervisor doesn’t see what you believe is true about you: that you can build a team; you can create and produce beauty; you can develop other leaders.

Parker Palmer wrote:

“One sign that I am violating my own nature in the name of nobility is a condition called burnout. Though usually regarded as the result of trying to give too much, burnout in my experience results from trying to give what I do not possess – the ultimate in giving too little! Burnout is a state of emptiness, to be sure, but it does not result from giving all I have: it merely reveals the nothingness from which I was trying to give in the first place.”

This sense of nothingness in your experience may come from a lack of rest – a failure to replenish your soul. However, as Parker notes, you can also serve from nothingness because you’re trying too hard to live into someone else’s expectations, someone else’s values, someone else’s vision for your life. 

Perhaps it’s time to question, explore and discover your innate talents, your defining values and your unique makeup. 

You know the values of the organization where you work, but if asked, you couldn’t really state yours.

Except maybe you’d say you value belonging to something bigger than yourself. Your supervisor talks with you often about the tasks and responsibilities on your job description, but rarely, if ever, talks with you about your talents and skills. You stopped dreaming a long time ago, because someone else has the responsibility of carrying the vision.

Perhaps you do have the self-awareness to know your personal values.

You’re in touch with yourself enough to know your core strengths. You fall asleep at night dreaming, “What if…” kinds of dreams. Not whimsical pie-in-the-sky dreams, but vision – real vision of what could be and should be. 

Pause. 

The reason teams work, the power of community, the strength of any organization flows from a deep commitment to shared values, shared mission and shared vision.

Visions are fulfilled because everyone understands their unique contribution and they “bring it.” It IS powerful to know that you’re part of something bigger than yourself. It IS an amazing experience to be captured by the compelling vision cast by someone else. You find “home” when leaders of this vision recognize your uniqueness and call the best out of you, asking you to be true to who you are. 

It is quite a contrast, however, when you realize that what is “bigger than you are” somehow shadows or even buries your truest self.

With this realization a deep, irreconcilable angst settles deeply in your soul, within your truest self. You know your values, abilities, dreams and visions  are misaligned with those of the organization in which we serve or work. You know that your values just don’t quite align with the values of your leader. You realize that your essential skills are underutilized. You feel tired trying to hang on to the vision you see, because it’s just different enough to risk being disruptive. 

What do you do when this is the case? There ARE options.

Open dialog about who you are at your core.

Speak about your selfhood, about who you’re wired to be. Maybe the conversation hasn’t happened because you’ve not started it. It may be time to be courageous, to step up to the challenge and ask for space to be heard. 

Look closely at your talents, your values and your vision. And then look closer still.

It could be that there’s such a relational strain between you and others around you, that your perception of what is true about them or the organization is just skewed…enough. Enough to cause you to find differences that aren’t actually as polar as they seem. Enough to cause you to see preferences as issues of right or wrong. There could be a personal relationship to be healed.

Maybe it’s time to align “you” elsewhere.

Upon looking closely at your talents, your values and your vision, it’s crystal clear: there simply is not alignment between you and the organization; between you and your leader. The courageous conversation may be about exploring other work in a different place. 

Parker Palmer notes that,

“The people who help us grow toward true self offer unconditional love, neither judging us to be deficient nor trying to force us to change but accepting us exactly as we are. And yet this unconditional love does not lead us to rest on our laurels. Instead, it surrounds us with a charged force field that makes us want to grow from the inside out — a force field that is safe enough to take the risks and endure the failures that growth requires.” 

You are a beautiful and capable human being. You have much to offer the immediate world around you. You have unique purpose to discover, embrace, live out and celebrate. 

I’ll wrap this with one more quote. This one from Anne Lamott: 

“We begin to find and become ourselves when we notice how we are already found, already truly, entirely, wildly, messily, marvelously who we were born to be.”

  • Are you aware of your deepest values, your innate talents, your personal passions? 
  • Are you aligned with the people around you in a way that frees you to live out your truest self?
  • Will you be brave? Will you take the next step to gift us with YOU?

If you’d like to explore a pathway to these steps, contact me. Let’s talk.

Continue reading

direct tag

direct tag

Have You Aligned or Settled?

 photo credit: Adam Grabeck

photo credit: Adam Grabeck

Author and teacher, Parker Palmer reflects,

“As young people, we are surrounded by expectations that may have little to do with who we really are, expectations held by people who are not trying to discern our selfhood but to fit us into slots.” 

Most of us know the angst of trying to live up to someone else’s expectations. It can take a number of different forms.

Regrets are turned into hopes for you.

This is typically a parent or a grandparent – someone in the family. Mom always wanted to be a nurse, so she persuades her son to go to the best nursing school in the area. Dad missed the opportunity to go to law school, so he’s talked about his daughter being an attorney since she was four. Your wife wants you to be the “Jack of all trades” like her father never was – ever. 

Desires or passions are projected onto you.

Your spouse insists you find work that will put you in a bigger house in a better neighborhood with a better car in a cleaner garage. Your pastor sees you as “preacher junior” and talks to you often about bible college. Your roommate desperately wants to hike around Europe for a month; you’ve never walked more than two city blocks. 

Organizational needs are placed on you.

The owner insists he can’t promote you to regional director; the work in this local branch is too critical. Your pastor expects you’ll stay in your role for… well, forever; the church needs you to be faithful. You’ve talked about your desire to develop your leadership opportunities, but there’s not a seat at the leadership table. 

Everyone thinks they know you better than you do.

You’re told what your gifts are. Someone else insists you don’t have the ability to lead strategically. Your supervisor doesn’t see what you believe is true about you: that you can build a team; you can create and produce beauty; you can develop other leaders.

Parker Palmer wrote:

“One sign that I am violating my own nature in the name of nobility is a condition called burnout. Though usually regarded as the result of trying to give too much, burnout in my experience results from trying to give what I do not possess – the ultimate in giving too little! Burnout is a state of emptiness, to be sure, but it does not result from giving all I have: it merely reveals the nothingness from which I was trying to give in the first place.”

This sense of nothingness in your experience may come from a lack of rest – a failure to replenish your soul. However, as Parker notes, you can also serve from nothingness because you’re trying too hard to live into someone else’s expectations, someone else’s values, someone else’s vision for your life. 

Perhaps it’s time to question, explore and discover your innate talents, your defining values and your unique makeup. 

You know the values of the organization where you work, but if asked, you couldn’t really state yours.

Except maybe you’d say you value belonging to something bigger than yourself. Your supervisor talks with you often about the tasks and responsibilities on your job description, but rarely, if ever, talks with you about your talents and skills. You stopped dreaming a long time ago, because someone else has the responsibility of carrying the vision.

Perhaps you do have the self-awareness to know your personal values.

You’re in touch with yourself enough to know your core strengths. You fall asleep at night dreaming, “What if…” kinds of dreams. Not whimsical pie-in-the-sky dreams, but vision – real vision of what could be and should be. 

Pause. 

The reason teams work, the power of community, the strength of any organization flows from a deep commitment to shared values, shared mission and shared vision.

Visions are fulfilled because everyone understands their unique contribution and they “bring it.” It IS powerful to know that you’re part of something bigger than yourself. It IS an amazing experience to be captured by the compelling vision cast by someone else. You find “home” when leaders of this vision recognize your uniqueness and call the best out of you, asking you to be true to who you are. 

It is quite a contrast, however, when you realize that what is “bigger than you are” somehow shadows or even buries your truest self.

With this realization a deep, irreconcilable angst settles deeply in your soul, within your truest self. You know your values, abilities, dreams and visions  are misaligned with those of the organization in which we serve or work. You know that your values just don’t quite align with the values of your leader. You realize that your essential skills are underutilized. You feel tired trying to hang on to the vision you see, because it’s just different enough to risk being disruptive. 

What do you do when this is the case? There ARE options.

Open dialog about who you are at your core.

Speak about your selfhood, about who you’re wired to be. Maybe the conversation hasn’t happened because you’ve not started it. It may be time to be courageous, to step up to the challenge and ask for space to be heard. 

Look closely at your talents, your values and your vision. And then look closer still.

It could be that there’s such a relational strain between you and others around you, that your perception of what is true about them or the organization is just skewed…enough. Enough to cause you to find differences that aren’t actually as polar as they seem. Enough to cause you to see preferences as issues of right or wrong. There could be a personal relationship to be healed.

Maybe it’s time to align “you” elsewhere.

Upon looking closely at your talents, your values and your vision, it’s crystal clear: there simply is not alignment between you and the organization; between you and your leader. The courageous conversation may be about exploring other work in a different place. 

Parker Palmer notes that,

“The people who help us grow toward true self offer unconditional love, neither judging us to be deficient nor trying to force us to change but accepting us exactly as we are. And yet this unconditional love does not lead us to rest on our laurels. Instead, it surrounds us with a charged force field that makes us want to grow from the inside out — a force field that is safe enough to take the risks and endure the failures that growth requires.” 

You are a beautiful and capable human being. You have much to offer the immediate world around you. You have unique purpose to discover, embrace, live out and celebrate. 

I’ll wrap this with one more quote. This one from Anne Lamott: 

“We begin to find and become ourselves when we notice how we are already found, already truly, entirely, wildly, messily, marvelously who we were born to be.”

  • Are you aware of your deepest values, your innate talents, your personal passions? 
  • Are you aligned with the people around you in a way that frees you to live out your truest self?
  • Will you be brave? Will you take the next step to gift us with YOU?

If you’d like to explore a pathway to these steps, contact me. Let’s talk.

Continue reading

direct tag

direct tag

Your Team Wants You to Ask Yourself These 10 Questions about Faking Trust

trust - rope.jpg

The more conversations I have with clients, family and friends, the more I’m thinking about trust these days. Seems there’s precious little trust actually being experienced in work places and homes. Let’s start by defining trust.

My online dictionary states that trust as a verb means: to believe in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of something or someone.

Conversely, the same dictionary defines distrust this way: to doubt the honesty or reliability of; regard with suspicion.

My experience confirms that people know quickly whether they are trusted or distrusted; whether their supervisor believes in their strengths or regards them with suspicion. People know when their leader hovers, limits, takes back a responsibility or removes authority. People can sniff out with no effort or conscious process the reality of trust – or not – placed in them. Consider the challenges of trust.

  • Can trust be granted on a trial basis?
  • Is a “wait and see” outlook really trust?
  • Does trust only happen when it’s fully earned?
  • Does trust say: “I’ll trust you ’til you prove I can’t trust you?”
  • Does trust come in different sizes and portions: a little bit of trust, barely trust, trust a whole lot? Or is trust, simply trust?

I remember when our daughter was learning to drive. I’ve looked back and asked myself: Did I trust my daughter to drive to school when her license went from “permit” to the real deal? Did I send her off to school without acknowledging that her training and preparation meant I could trust her to get there safely? If I didn’t trust her ability to do so, would I have allowed her to get behind the wheel of a car? Based on her training and demonstrated skills, I did trust her to drive to school and home again.

What if, in that same season, she had asked me for permission to drive to Chicago from our northern Indiana home on a weekday morning, in rush hour, on toll roads with Nascar-mentality drivers on mission to make their destination on time? If I didn’t trust her ability to make that drive, would I still trust her to drive to school on the city streets of our small town? Yes, I decided I could trust her ability to drive to school, while I knew more coaching was my responsibility to help her navigate the chaotic, erratic and frightening traffic of the Dan Ryan Expressway.

So, is trust given in portions? Maybe so. Maybe not.

If I flag down a Chicago taxi driver on Michigan Avenue, do I trust him or her to navigate the same traffic? Do I trust the Uber driver to get me safely from my home to Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport? Yes (Although, think about it, we’re trusting Mr. taxi driver or Ms. Uber, because we trust someone else has vetted him or her.). So, trust does seem to be “proven,” whether we’ve seen the proof or we trust someone else’s standard that these drivers are trustworthy.

Back to the challenge of leadership and trust. When a business manager or church staff leader asks someone on the team to lead an initiative, or they hire a staff member to lead a division or team, does that leader trust that staff member to do the job they’ve been asked to do? Did the staff person believe upon being hired, that they were given trust with the offer to come aboard? Was authority to carry out their responsibility given to that staff person?

Here’s what happens when we don’t actually trust the person to fulfill what we’ve charged them to do:

  • When we don’t actually trust them, we don’t tell them that we believe they are unqualified to accomplish all we originally ask of them. But they know.
  • We limit the scope of their decision-making. Or we over-ride their decisions.
  • We work around them, leaving them out of conversations where their input and opinion should be considered, if not deferred to.
  • We redefine their role – at least in our own minds, shaping new expectations they’ve not processed nor had opportunity to agree to.
  • We realize we must find ways to get work done that we don’t trust them to do, so we either do the work or find others to do it – often without informing the leader charged with the responsibility.

These behaviors and more kick in automatically for many leaders and managers (or in some cases the positional “boss” who is neither a qualified leader nor manager), often allowing us to dismiss any reflection on our reasons for distrust and therefore not acknowledging that we actually don’t trust them. This of course causes us to avoid honest conversation.

Let’s go back to my daughter and my trust in her ability to drive. Let’s say I do believe I can trust her to drive to Chicago and back. BUT – as it turns out, she has a fender-bender on the Stevenson Expressway and she arrives home shaken and apologetic. I have at least a couple choices: 1) I tell myself and maybe her: “I knew I couldn’t trust her to drive in those conditions. I don’t trust her to do it again.” OR 2) “Experiencing a fender-bender doesn’t necessarily make you a bad driver. How about we both drive to Chicago next week? You drive, I’ll ride and coach.”

My decision to get in the car, leaving her in the driver’s seat communicates: “You’re still driving this car. I trust you to be behind the wheel. And I’m here to help you so your competency, and perhaps more importantly, your confidence grows.” IF I micromanage every turn, every stop and go, every passing of another car, my daughter will intuit immediately that although I left her behind the wheel, I don’t actually trust her.

Again, my daughter was trained well to drive a car. I do have control issues.

My daughter is an active learner. But it’s easier for me to be behind the wheel than coach.

My daughter did make a mistake or two. And mistakes behind the wheel of a car or mistakes driving an initiative can easily be the “I knew it moment” for the leader that validates our suspicion and moves us into the driver’s seat.

I’m not all that, but the truth is, I trusted someone else’s training of my daughter and because of that, I trusted her to get behind the wheel of my car and drive on the road with other cars – knowing all the risks of anyone driving were present.

I encouraged her to get in the driver’s seat after a fender bender. I didn’t keep distrust to myself and find excuses why I should drive and she couldn’t. I didn’t tell her she wasn’t ready. I didn’t tell her she wasn’t capable of driving.

I got in the car with her after the fender bender. She was in the driver’s seat. And although I could have been a less directive passenger/coach, I learned to encourage her and celebrate her skill.

I’m not perfect. Neither are you. We’ve all messed up when it comes to trusting others.

Here are 10 Questions to ask yourself about trust and your team:

  1. Did you ever trust them to do the job you asked them to do?
  2. Why have you stopped believing in the people on your team?
  3. Do they know you are for them… or do they sense deep in their soul, you don’t trust them?
  4. In what ways are you communicating doubt or suspicion about their ability?
  5. Have you given them responsibility with no authority?
  6. Do you believe you alone can and will do the initiative or task better, do it “right?”
  7. Do they have to ask you about every turn, every onramp, every stop before they can act?
  8. Would they say you are effectively checking in and coaching or would they say you’re micromanaging them? 
  9. What are you putting in place to help them trust themselves and experience a win?
  10. What steps are you taking to celebrate the ways in which they are trusted… and giving them opportunity to be trusted with more?

I’ve had to ask myself in various seasons of my leadership: What’s going on in me that creates this lack of trust? Am I insisting on proving myself as a competent leader? What do I think I have to prove? Where do I see people on my team shrinking… in their self-confidence? In their joy? In their passion for the work? In their trust in me?

We all suffer from unconscious self-deception. It’s easier to blame someone else and call it wisdom on our part. We’re more prone to prove ourselves than to give others an opportunity to prove themselves. We’re often more likely to play judge than play coach.

Your team is longing to be trusted. They want a seat at the table. They want to be heard with the confidence you want to learn from them.

What will you do with this? Will you ask honest questions of yourself? Will you ask your team if they feel trusted? And when they say no or somewhat… will you listen when they explain why they feel the way they do? We must.

Because people matter. Period.

By the way, if you’re the one not feeling trusted and therefore feeling devalued, it’s fair to ask:

  • Am I behaving in some way that reduces others’ trust in me?
  • Am I blaming someone else for my lack of passion, incompetence or dissention?
  • What step do I need to take to fully show up, to give my 100%?

And when you’ve answered those questions and you feel you cannot “win;” when you know you are not trusted; that you are not acknowledged or valued… well, you have some difficult choices to make. And when you find yourself in that place longer than you want to be – remember, your worth does not come from the approval of others. Your value is not determined by what you do or how well you do it. Your identity is not defined by any job or task. Your worth, your value, your identity rests in one truth: you are created in the image of God. You are an image-bearer. You have innate worth, intrinsic value and a core-to-your-soul identity.

What’s your step in trusting others? How will you evaluate your motives? What do you need to do to be more trustworthy than you are today? And who will you talk with to explore your innate gifting, your intrinsic worth and your core identity?

Let’s Talk

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Your Team Wants You to Ask Yourself These 10 Questions about Trust

trust - rope.jpg

The more conversations I have with clients, family and friends, the more I’m thinking about trust these days. Seems there’s precious little trust actually being experienced in work places and homes. Let’s start by defining trust.

My online dictionary states that trust as a verb means: to believe in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of something or someone.

Conversely, the same dictionary defines distrust this way: to doubt the honesty or reliability of; regard with suspicion.

My experience confirms that people know quickly whether they are trusted or distrusted; whether their supervisor believes in their strengths or regards them with suspicion. People know when their leader hovers, limits, takes back a responsibility or removes authority. People can sniff out with no effort or conscious process the reality of trust – or not – placed in them. Consider the challenges of trust.

  • Can trust be granted on a trial basis?
  • Is a “wait and see” outlook really trust?
  • Does trust only happen when it’s fully earned?
  • Does trust say: “I’ll trust you ’til you prove I can’t trust you?”
  • Does trust come in different sizes and portions: a little bit of trust, barely trust, trust a whole lot? Or is trust, simply trust?

I remember when our daughter was learning to drive. I’ve looked back and asked myself: Did I trust my daughter to drive to school when her license went from “permit” to the real deal? Did I send her off to school without acknowledging that her training and preparation meant I could trust her to get there safely? If I didn’t trust her ability to do so, would I have allowed her to get behind the wheel of a car? Based on her training and demonstrated skills, I did trust her to drive to school and home again.

What if, in that same season, she had asked me for permission to drive to Chicago from our northern Indiana home on a weekday morning, in rush hour, on toll roads with Nascar-mentality drivers on mission to make their destination on time? If I didn’t trust her ability to make that drive, would I still trust her to drive to school on the city streets of our small town? Yes, I decided I could trust her ability to drive to school, while I knew more coaching was my responsibility to help her navigate the chaotic, erratic and frightening traffic of the Dan Ryan Expressway.

So, is trust given in portions? Maybe so. Maybe not.

If I flag down a Chicago taxi driver on Michigan Avenue, do I trust him or her to navigate the same traffic? Do I trust the Uber driver to get me safely from my home to Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport? Yes (Although, think about it, we’re trusting Mr. taxi driver or Ms. Uber, because we trust someone else has vetted him or her.). So, trust does seem to be “proven,” whether we’ve seen the proof or we trust someone else’s standard that these drivers are trustworthy.

Back to the challenge of leadership and trust. When a business manager or church staff leader asks someone on the team to lead an initiative, or they hire a staff member to lead a division or team, does that leader trust that staff member to do the job they’ve been asked to do? Did the staff person believe upon being hired, that they were given trust with the offer to come aboard? Was authority to carry out their responsibility given to that staff person?

Here’s what happens when we don’t actually trust the person to fulfill what we’ve charged them to do:

  • When we don’t actually trust them, we don’t tell them that we believe they are unqualified to accomplish all we originally ask of them. But they know.
  • We limit the scope of their decision-making. Or we over-ride their decisions.
  • We work around them, leaving them out of conversations where their input and opinion should be considered, if not deferred to.
  • We redefine their role – at least in our own minds, shaping new expectations they’ve not processed nor had opportunity to agree to.
  • We realize we must find ways to get work done that we don’t trust them to do, so we either do the work or find others to do it – often without informing the leader charged with the responsibility.

These behaviors and more kick in automatically for many leaders and managers (or in some cases the positional “boss” who is neither a qualified leader nor manager), often allowing us to dismiss any reflection on our reasons for distrust and therefore not acknowledging that we actually don’t trust them. This of course causes us to avoid honest conversation.

Let’s go back to my daughter and my trust in her ability to drive. Let’s say I do believe I can trust her to drive to Chicago and back. BUT – as it turns out, she has a fender-bender on the Stevenson Expressway and she arrives home shaken and apologetic. I have at least a couple choices: 1) I tell myself and maybe her: “I knew I couldn’t trust her to drive in those conditions. I don’t trust her to do it again.” OR 2) “Experiencing a fender-bender doesn’t necessarily make you a bad driver. How about we both drive to Chicago next week? You drive, I’ll ride and coach.”

My decision to get in the car, leaving her in the driver’s seat communicates: “You’re still driving this car. I trust you to be behind the wheel. And I’m here to help you so your competency, and perhaps more importantly, your confidence grows.” IF I micromanage every turn, every stop and go, every passing of another car, my daughter will intuit immediately that although I left her behind the wheel, I don’t actually trust her.

Again, my daughter was trained well to drive a car. I do have control issues.

My daughter is an active learner. But it’s easier for me to be behind the wheel than coach.

My daughter did make a mistake or two. And mistakes behind the wheel of a car or mistakes driving an initiative can easily be the “I knew it moment” for the leader that validates our suspicion and moves us into the driver’s seat.

I’m not all that, but the truth is, I trusted someone else’s training of my daughter and because of that, I trusted her to get behind the wheel of my car and drive on the road with other cars – knowing all the risks of anyone driving were present.

I encouraged her to get in the driver’s seat after a fender bender. I didn’t keep distrust to myself and find excuses why I should drive and she couldn’t. I didn’t tell her she wasn’t ready. I didn’t tell her she wasn’t capable of driving.

I got in the car with her after the fender bender. She was in the driver’s seat. And although I could have been a less directive passenger/coach, I learned to encourage her and celebrate her skill.

I’m not perfect. Neither are you. We’ve all messed up when it comes to trusting others.

Here are 10 Questions to ask yourself about trust and your team:

  1. Did you ever trust them to do the job you asked them to do?
  2. Why have you stopped believing in the people on your team?
  3. Do they know you are for them… or do they sense deep in their soul, you don’t trust them?
  4. In what ways are you communicating doubt or suspicion about their ability?
  5. Have you given them responsibility with no authority?
  6. Do you believe you alone can and will do the initiative or task better, do it “right?”
  7. Do they have to ask you about every turn, every onramp, every stop before they can act?
  8. Would they say you are effectively checking in and coaching or would they say you’re micromanaging them? 
  9. What are you putting in place to help them trust themselves and experience a win?
  10. What steps are you taking to celebrate the ways in which they are trusted… and giving them opportunity to be trusted with more?

I’ve had to ask myself in various seasons of my leadership: What’s going on in me that creates this lack of trust? Am I insisting on proving myself as a competent leader? What do I think I have to prove? Where do I see people on my team shrinking… in their self-confidence? In their joy? In their passion for the work? In their trust in me?

We all suffer from unconscious self-deception. It’s easier to blame someone else and call it wisdom on our part. We’re more prone to prove ourselves than to give others an opportunity to prove themselves. We’re often more likely to play judge than play coach.

Your team is longing to be trusted. They want a seat at the table. They want to be heard with the confidence you want to learn from them.

What will you do with this? Will you ask honest questions of yourself? Will you ask your team if they feel trusted? And when they say no or somewhat… will you listen when they explain why they feel the way they do? We must.

Because people matter. Period.

By the way, if you’re the one not feeling trusted and therefore feeling devalued, it’s fair to ask:

  • Am I behaving in some way that reduces others’ trust in me?
  • Am I blaming someone else for my lack of passion, incompetence or dissention?
  • What step do I need to take to fully show up, to give my 100%?

And when you’ve answered those questions and you feel you cannot “win;” when you know you are not trusted; that you are not acknowledged or valued… well, you have some difficult choices to make. And when you find yourself in that place longer than you want to be – remember, your worth does not come from the approval of others. Your value is not determined by what you do or how well you do it. Your identity is not defined by any job or task. Your worth, your value, your identity rests in one truth: you are created in the image of God. You are an image-bearer. You have innate worth, intrinsic value and a core-to-your-soul identity.

What’s your step in trusting others? How will you evaluate your motives? What do you need to do to be more trustworthy than you are today? And who will you talk with to explore your innate gifting, your intrinsic worth and your core identity?

Let’s Talk

Continue reading

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